Saturday, 8 April 2017

11 months (and six days)

I have been on holiday. No data, no wifi. I had countless meals out, countless country pub visits. I was beginning to feel like I was clinging on for dear life. I existed sober. I sat in restaurants realising I simply wished for the night to end so I could get out and get away. I grew sick of watching others drink. I grew sick of Diet Coke and bloody water. I thought the other day that what is the point of all this if all I am doing is marking time, with no enjoyment and no shared pleasure.

I have not drunk alcohol, but I feel like I'm in my first month again. I want to drink but I know I cannot have it. I have enough experience to know this will pass and I will be ok. I know I will be happy. I know I will be grateful that I did not drink. But right now I feel flat, joyless and like I am treading water, waiting for life to happen.

So my aim for the next month is to get the joy back. I hit a year soon and am concern that with a one year sober target achieved I will feel even more shitty and meh!

I have no idea how to get the joy back. I fear that I might need to make some very big changes to my life in order to do this. That frightens me and I think the fear of change has lead to an inertia and the slump of joylessness I find myself in.

I hope all you love sober (or not) sisters are doing well, let me know below xxxxxx



12 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit flat and just getting by being sober. I can rate to this so much. Do you think that you have come so far now and at 11 months you have forgotten how bad drinking is? I feel I need to make changes to my life. Lately I think what is the point of doing this, but I then remind myself of the misery drinking brought me. Perhaps periods like this are normal and we need to go through them. Perhaps the joy will return on its own? I hope so.

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  2. I can relate to the feelings you're describing, though I've never got as far as 11 months - you're doing great! I'm also very dubious about going on holiday at the moment, the association with holiday drinking is so strong. I hope these feeling pass for you and you bounce back from the flatness and get your sober mojo back. Take care, be well :)

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  3. The ebb an flow of sobriety is missing a rhythm which is why it throws us off each time it ebbs (or flows, not sure which is which ) My best friend is two years sober on 18/04 and approaching one year she was "bored, bored, bored, and boring" she felt the whole what's the point but it did pass and she's at two years now and still rocking sober. Our booze envy is just that, envy but we are NOT remembering it correctly. The rose tinted spectacles of nostalgia make it seem like a life worth missing but in reality it was the bitter disappointment of wondering "why did I do this again" that made us stop. I hope you find your happy again. Go back and read your early posts or find someone who's desperately trying to get a few days. Maybe like a marathon, you've hit the wall and once you get through it its all ok again. Sending you strength.

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    1. Go back and read May 31st 2016 and see if that reminds you. Big hug.

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  4. Dear SP,
    I find that I have times of joy, and times of boring.
    I think that is life, but after more sober time, I am finding some acceptance that life will be up and down.
    Those addict voices and thoughts will be strong, but don't let them dictate your life to you.
    They are liars.
    They WILL steal your joy.
    Big Hugs,
    Wendy

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    1. PS - Happy 11 Months and 6 Days!!

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    2. Yes, I was thinking about this today and thought, I have ups and downs about EVERYTHING so I don't know why I think drinking, or sobriety should be any different! Thank you for commenting as ever xxxxx

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  5. I too feel those ups and down but my life has fundamentally changed without alcohol.
    Something I hadn't considered was my "sloppy" next day attitude when it came to caring about those around me. I would listen to my kids, but not really - I wouldn't really be involved and of course was right all of the time.

    I now sit back and consider what has been said and process information completely differently - for this I stay sober
    M xxxx

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    1. Thank you Michelle. I think the longer I am sober the more I accept the "new me" as just me and forget how far I have come. Good to be reminded sometimes. Xxxxx

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  6. This book might help: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/055380703X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

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    1. Thank you HFC, this looks really interesting. Xxx

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