Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Check in 14+ months

hello all!

Just having a check in to blog my thoughts. I've been busy working and being out and about and haven't been spending too much time in the sober sphere recently.

I am feeling very happy to be alive at the moment. I am enjoying very simple things, nature, being outdoors, walking, riding my bike etc.

I am learning that being an introvert is not something I have to apologise for. I realise that my need to be alone sometimes, or my struggle with socialising a lot is not a failing or a weakness. It is how I am, it is who I am, and it is ok.

I have never thought much about introvertion before. I have been called shy when younger, but I am not shy, I am just not interested in engaging with others sometimes, so I stay quiet or stay away. I can only 'small talk' in small quantities, then I wish to exit. I realise alcohol helped me do the socialising and the small talking and I have found attempts to do this to the same extent sober very challenging. I am now ready to accept that I do not need to carry on the way I was drunk, now I am sober. I can chose what I do.

I feel more whole and I have flashes that this is enough. What I mean is that I am enough, just as I am. I suppose it is contentment with myself. I am not content with a lot of other things though!

I loved Michelle's post about humans wanting to get high, and alcohol being the only "legitimate" way to do this. It's so true, and just marketing BS.  I still think the people I know who think it's funny to get really drunk are fucking idiots and I cannot believe I used to behave like that and believe the hype about booze being great fun.

I saw a gin scented room spray in a gift shop this week, and gin hand cream. I have been offered wine every day this week at events I have attended. I have been assured by strangers that "not to worry, after the day you've had, you can treat yourself to a big glass of wine." I have mentally silently yelled "fuck the fuck off you fucking bores. Can't you think of anything more interesting to offer or say?" Before I introvert again and realise all that matters is how I behave, not how others choose to.

Love SP

7 comments:

  1. I was reading this and laughing then thought "who's Michelle? must look this up" very few nano-seconds later I realised it was me :) so laughed harder.

    I really love the "fuck the fuck off you fucking bores" That couldn't be better said. For some reason I am in the same place with this, I don't mind the supermarket alcohol peddlers and ads at the moment, OK that is a lie, I find them both really irritating but what is really annoying me is the: "you can have a well-deserved wine tonight etc"

    I honestly feel like saying "really? will that help will it? because I can tell you it won't help anything - you are probably an addict if you think that anyway" rant rant. I say nothing because then I could never go back into: My son's school, the supermarket, the petrol station etc I would be more isolated than my (also) introverted nature would deem safe.

    M xxxx

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    1. Haha! I have put a link in now :) This is true, if I challenged everyone who told me the panacea for my life is a cold glass of white wine at night I would have nobody left to talk to!

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  2. It's great to be happy with who you are and your place in the world. Gin scented hand cream? Disgusting... There is definitely too much hype about alcohol in the world. Too many jokes, too much advertising. People say they deserve a drink after a hard day, but I often wonder how many of them actually do it? It's just what they say, they think it's the 'cool' thing to say! You're going so so well and I'm so happy for you!

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  3. Who actually wants to smell of gin?! I find that concept just weird. I also have a very limited capacity for small talk and I'm pretty sure that a lot of my heavy drinking was just to numb myself from that feeling of wanting to run away screaming from mindless socialising. I'm happy to hear things are going well and I'm wishing you more sober contentment for the future :) x

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    1. Thank you TOTW! I think drink became a shortcut to coping with a number of aspects of my life. I am pleased I am learning to not need it xxx

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  4. Hi SP!
    So happy you are enjoying the simple things!
    I am really concentrating on that myself.
    That coffee with a friend is good.
    Don't need parties (can't hear at them anyhow.. lol).
    Happy walking and talking with Mr. UT or a friend.
    xo
    Wendy

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  5. I had to laugh as I could have written the first half of this myself. Like you I have a very small tolerance of small talk, chit chat, waffle. When I talk to someone I want a deep conversation about meaningful things, not a 30 minute discourse on how the price increase of Daz (laundry detergent) is unwarranted......... BORING
    I've often thought that I'm and extrovert because when I do have conversations they are quite animated and excitable but maybe that is just relief that I have found someone likeminded I 'actually' want to talk to ha ha.
    I am glad you are coming around to accepting you are fine just the way you are, cos you are of course.

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